This is something that meaningful for me, and I must jot this down. I have not been writing for so long. I am not sure if I can recall and record as much as I can. I am not sure if this can help me in healing, or it can even became a double edge sword making me resist to let go. Here it goes.
Somewhere around August 2015, my landlord added a new contact into the group
"everyone let's welcome Roonsin into the house"
The next thing I did was, Facebook search the name and I know I have found the right profile even though the picture is showing a Starbuck cup written "Chew", it caught my attention. Little did I know, this girl eventually became my first girlfriend.
September 2015, I had traveled to Taiwan with my buddies (Alex and Eason) and back with souvenirs. So I have share some nougats with my housemates, she reply to the group saying thank you, and coincidentally she had brought something back from her Bangkok/HuaHin trip too.
Few days after the first encounter at the housemate group chat, I was at kitchen filling up my water bottle. And then I heard footsteps towards the washing machine, I turn back, and that was the first time I see her in person. (there was another time, I just came out from shower and a girl pass by me, suspecting is her, technically that should be the first time but I wasn't wearing spec, can't see clearly though)
I doubted for a while whether should I say hi to her? and I tell myself if I don't say Hi now it will be awkward to start talking to her next time.
"hi, 你叫什麼名字?"
***hand shake***
"閏炘,周潤發的潤少了三點水,炘是火字旁和公斤的斤"
"你是周潤發的女兒?"
”哈哈哈... ..."
"我叫紀憲，年紀的年紀，憲法的憲"
we started casual chit chat, asking where each other from, career, when did she move in, how long I have stay here... as I went back to my room, I took her contact number from the group chat and start chatting with her.
"閏炘 <<< 這是你的名字?"
This sentence made us started to chat in Mandarin. Man I used to hate typing Mandarin coz it take me so long to type one simple sentence. But we manage to keep it for almost 2 months before switching to English Channel.
She appear to be very friendly to me from the way she chat. She would take opportunity to know all the housemates, would mingle around with housemates, talk to them. We are living under the same roof with 15 rooms. That makes 14 housemate for her to remember.
We started to whatapps almost everyday, even during office hour. WebWhatapps helps me a lot in disguising of playing handphone during office hour, though crappy internet connection sometimes.
We talked about our interest. It's funny that we do not have much common interest but we are able to keep ourselves attracted to each other. That feels so magical to me.
To me, she is really simple girl, a girl who satisfied easily, contented. She is smart, and she must be talented in arts, dancing, piano, though I have not seen her perform before. She doesn't have much interest except reading and travels. I guess travelling will be our common interest because I hardly read. I did imagine, someday if our relationship could work out, we might date at some quiet cafe, chilling and read up some good books. She doesn't have the bad habit that I dislike. She has a black cat. She hate onions and nuts.
Her working hours aren't fixed, shift based. I had hard time remembering her shift hours initially, so I decided to jot down in my phone. Her roster change once every two weeks. I feel awkward to check on her shift hour every time, thank god she shared with me her roster. =) And of course, I save it one by one into my calendar, with reminders.
It's been so long since the last time I have met a girl who I will have this kind excitement when I talked to.
The first time we had dinner was with my sister and Eason. Man, I was so nervous that I lose my usual appetite to eat. I had been keeping myself busy to think of what topic to talk, to keep the conversation on, but still can't escape from a feel awkward quiet moment. And like normal man will do, I tried to establish much good image to her. Good thing is that there is no sign of repulsion from her. Thank god.
We flirt with each other through whatapps. I assigned a unique ringtone for her, so that I will know everytime when she message me. I will respond to her at once. We care about each other on whatever things that we are doing. Telling each other to take care, drink well, eat well, don't get wet under the rain, don't catch cold and stuff.
There was one day she tell me, she is having nose blocked. I send her a cup of hot water to relieve the nose blocked. Although it didn't work very effectively, but I am happy when she thank me and she drink all of it before going to sleep. It took me quite some courage to send the cup of water, and knock on her door. Feel glad that the effort is worth it.
Almost forgot to mentioned, she was bitten by a dog in neighbourhood. When I just know her not long ago. Poor girl have to get jab from doctor for the vaccine every 3 days, and it wasn't cheap. She invited me when she going to have the last injection. Of course I went! That night before, I slept very late, because I was preparing a origami sunflower, self learn from Youtube. Though it doesn't look very nice but I feel high satisfactory after search for numerous video on the guide. And FYI, I have prepared the colors paper from office in advance.
I often pay attention to her whether she is around. When she returned from work, I will offer to bring her for dinner. Whenever there is a weekend, I will try to stay. If I manage to stay, I will date her out for lunch or dinner. Then slowly I have dated her for movie, and offer her with helps for food take away, taking care of laundry and stuffs. I had even introduce her to some of my friends. Maze Runner, Crimson Peak, BMS organic foods, Sky park etc.
Not to forget the basketball session with housemate in Monash. Thanks to sister replacement class falls on Saturday. She had been exercise for long time. She blame me for her muscle ache on the next day, though I know she doesn't really mean it. I offered her the yokoyoko ointment.
Still remember the time I brought some passion fruits for her, she invited me into her room, very tidy room. It makes me guilty when I compare to my room. She invited me to watch running man with her. Man I am blushing and heart pouncing hard when sitting next to her. She leaning on the table while I am leaning backwards when I sit. Honestly I watch her laugh more than I watch the TV show. I am falling in love with her.
One day, she told me, she has ThalMinor traits, and I told her that I have the same traits too. We talked about the risk and the possible outcomes that couples with similar trait could face. But I couldn't care much that time. Because I am curious on how she feel for me, and I am eager to let her know how I feel for her. Any possible outcome had appear to be acceptable outcome that time.
29 October 2015, we went for movie together. <Our Times> 《我的少女时代》. She told me she seldom watch love story file like this, she choose to watch with me only because I told her I want to. But I doubt when she say that. Hahahaha. I think she really want to watch the film though. She told me she watched 《那些年，我們一起追的女孩》alone last time.
That night after movie, I share with her the firework video in Japan.
I tell her,
”是不是很漂亮叻？？"
"是咯“
”你知不知道，我想過如果能和心愛的人一起看這場煙花， 一定很浪漫，很幸福"
"嗯～"
I talked to her softly,
"妳知不知道我喜歡妳?"
She was smiling back at me. She nodded, she can feel it. She looks so cute when she keep hiding her head on the pillow. Heart melt when she keep doing that.
"那你覺得我對你怎麼樣？"
Man, I couldn't continue to confess properly. All those words that I have prepared went missing, my head were blank. It's my first time taking this approach. Guess those perfect confession only will appear in TV drama because they had been practicing for so many times.
I hold her hands, and I tell her that this is my first relationship, you are my first girl friend, there are a lot of things that I am new and I may not know how to handle well, but hoping that we can learn from each other as we go along. I wished I can watch the firework with her someday.
Our relationship may be started too soon, but knowing her for about one and half month time makes me feels that I have know her for very long time.
Since then, we check on each other most of the time, in the morning, before go to work, at work, lunch time, back from work, dinner time. We go out even more often since now the relationship is official. We always keep in touch via whatapps. And still typing in Mandarin! We seldom but we do contact via phone calls and there was a time at night, I almost being locked out by dad. Signal was really bad indoor, I rather stay outside, mean time can feed some mosquitoes out there too. HAHAHA.
Not long after the confession, I noted her conversation with her friends are all in English, so I asked her why we always message each other in Mandarin. It was all because my first message to her. All these while, actually she prefer to type in English too. Thank god, we are finally switching channel, *beep*, change to English. LOL.
Our relationship remain secret and low profile. But I have a "caring" sister staying under the same roof as well, otherwise my family wouldn't know about it. Anyway, not planning to hide.
Since then, my sister do tag along when we go for dinner. I am happy for her, seems as if she found an elder sister to share stories. I really hope they can get closer, because I feel I did not do a good job as a brother sometimes. Perhaps a sister could be more caring than a brother I guess.
There was one time she had high fever. I should have go and check on her that morning, her fever went up to almost 40 celcius if I remember correctly. She message me that she not going to work the morning shift because not feeling well, but she will be fine, and I remember I woke up really early that day so I went to Sun-U just to buy her sandwich, but I didn't went into her room, thinking I should let her rest. If I did, I would have knew how bad her condition is, and would send her to clinic immediately. Poor girl got to drive herself to SMC later and get injection to release herself from high fever. I feel I did not do my part well on this.
The issues with our gene condition did flash past my mind sometimes, I do not dare to give too much of promise, because I afraid that someday later I may not be able to fulfill it with her. I tell myself I will only think about that after my ACCA exam over. I was preparing my exam for final paper. I do hope that it will be my last attempt this round.
I manage to introduce them to my Barley Buddies. Thanks my buddies for the birthday celebration. I had good food. Although we didn't have much chance to communication and exchange conversation, but I happy I manage intro her my group of buddies from hometown, group of friends that I care =)
I really appreciate for the time and effort she did to prepare for my birthday celebration. It may not appear fancy to the others, but I am happy to do anything as long as I get to spend time with her. We went for movie, 《勝者為王》, and shop for christmas gift, coffee break, dinner at Nihonkai, snap polaroid photos... ... My 25th birthday in 2015, is a memorable one for me.
That night on my birthday, she brought up this topic that we have discussed few months ago, she thinks I should start talking about our gene condition to my parents, which I think is time for me to let my dad know too.
My parents were expressing their objections, they do not is a good idea for this relationship to go any deeper, not to the extent that can result in regret. I can totally understand their stand. My parents had sacrificed a lot in taking care of us siblings and growing us up. Couples with thal traits will not have a healthy child. And silly me have broken their heart when I actually consider about adoption. I feel sorry when I have said that.
I was thinking why life isn't fair. There must be some other option available out there for me to consider. Why I wasn't given chance to consider them at all, I didn't ask for this gene. But I wasn't blaming my parents for passing me this gene. Is just that I feel I should be given chance to explore and consider other options in compensate of the gene that passed to me by fate.
Dad and mom emphasized on the consequences, the risks, the sufferings that they can foresee if we stay together and when have our own kids. They don't want us to go through what they had been through, it reminds me of the similar situation that they have face when my second brother was born. Hoping me to let go of this relationship when our feelings to each other are not too deep yet.
I had hard time handling these feelings. I couldn't let it go so easy, and persist to look for alternate options that I can consider as long as both of us can stay together and have our own kids. Artificial insemination, in vitro fertilisation, prenatal diagnosis, but then all these are not an option for me because every options available still has the risk of having unhealthy child.
I had hard time thinking this through. I cried, my parents cried too. At first, my parents were really happy that I have finally found a girl that could be my future wife, they are sad that I have to let it go too.
But the truth is cruel. I shouldn't have created sin. I shouldn't have ruin our own life by staying together and knowing we may not have a good future. I believe no one can actually survive without own kids, especially as we grow old, elder people around us have their own kids and family. I don't want to leave any regret in our life for making the wrong decision. And I shouldn't be making my family worry about me and my future.
The day after Christmas, I drove all the way to Sunway, and I told her what I have came up. As she expected, she accept to end the relationship with open heart. We promise to remain good friends. Though we may not be destiny to be couples, but we could be good friends. She told me she never regret responding to my confession that night.
It was so difficult, when you know you couldn't message each other like you do. When you can no longer address each other intimately anymore. Even when you care for each other, we should keep a limit and watch out not to cross over the line. I can only blame myself for diving too deep. I needed someone to tell me off, to convinced me that this is the best for us, for now.
I trust fate brought her into my life for some reason, I really glad to know her and I do not want to lose her just like that. I still want to be of someone important in her life, to take care of her with a different identity. Ending the relationship doesn't make her less important in my life too.
Though I still feel contradict sometimes. I feel that I should leave her alone because it may not be the right time to keep in touch with her so soon. But I am too eager to know how is she doing. At last I still couldn't hold on to it, and I send her message to check on her. Glad that she seems that she is doing well. I have not meet her since the day after Christmas.
I appreciate and really thankful for my family for staying with me. I apologize for the quarrels and arguments. I was trying to help myself out and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I felt I just had a really long weekend, headache the day back to Sunway, it continues on the day I return to work. I got so down and moody.
Nevertheless, I will still proceed with the blood test. And consult genetic counsellor, and learn more about thal. And I will share my knowledge with her. If there is any changes that give us possibilities to be together again, I do not know if I should go back to her, I don't want to hurt her for another time without find the right and 100% confirmed, a satisfied answer. Perhaps is good for us to keep a distance at the moment, by not putting too much hopes in the test result so that we will not be caught in disappointment again.
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings and giving her false hope. I truly appreciate her for giving me chance to walk into her life. For now, let me appreciate this, "Chew Roon Sin, you are my first girl friend, I love you."
